When someone we love is sad or angry we have an overwhelming urge to 'make it go away'. We comfort them with words such as "it's OK", "stay positive" or "it's great they found it early". People are so fundamentally uncomfortable with these two emotions that they inadvertently ignore them or blatantly dismiss them!
I was speaking to a friend today who requires a hysterectomy due to complications following the birth of her 2nd child. With all good intentions her family and friends have been telling her how lucky she is that she's had 2 children....which, for her, has been translated as - don't you complain that you can't have a 3rd. Inside she is grieving, angry that a really fundamental choice has been taken away from her but outwardly she is 'not allowed' to complain.
I think back over some of my friendships and cringe as I reflect on 'advise' I have given friends who struggled to have a 2nd child. I recall myself saying "you have such a beautiful son already" etc etc At the time there was nothing but love and caring behind the words but in hindsight I see how unhelpful they are. So, firstly, my sincerest apologies! Secondly, yes there are some people who can not have any children (and I feel deeply, deeply sorry for them) but offering someone 'perspective' when they are stumbling down their path of grief is, unfortunately, like telling an amputee not to worry as they have another leg.
My top tips for what TO say:
1. "That sucks!" Let someone be angry and/or sad.
2. "There is no f..... silver lining to cancer".
3. Say nothing! Let them talk, grieve, vent, hurt
4. Ask them if they actually do want to talk about it. Perhaps they've had enough of explaining what the doctors said and when the treatment(s) will be?!
5. Offer your support, help and shoulder - solutions aren't necessary
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